Monday, October 17, 2005

6 Days Smoke Free!!

The hypnosis is working! I haven't smoked since Tuesday at 9:30 AM. I'm proud of myself and I doubt if I would have stuck to it so well if I didn't absolutely have to because of the upcoming surgery.

My mind is such a Crafty Little Sucker!! It has gone through my mind to go have a "ciggy"--that's my little friend's name. My deadly friend. I can't let myself get too cozy with him. Why a him? I don't know, just seems to be the right word.

The first few days, maybe four, I felt pretty good, light and airy. Delighted with myself. Not that I didn't have the Urge. I did, but I managed it, using the tapping method Gregg, the hypnotherapist taught me. But yesterday and today, I have felt that blah feeling about life without cigarettes. I think I'll go back to the hypnotist. I don't really trust myself. Actually, I doubt if I will smoke again, at least until after the surgery. But I know I will make myself miserable.

And I hate it that I wrote I might smoke again after the surgery!! I do need that hypnosis again!!

The main thing, other than blah, that I notice is how much more I am smelling things! I remember one other time I quit, I notice more pleasant smells like perfume. This time, for some reason, I notice unpleasant smells. Well, just that everything smells more intensely.

It's been cloudy and rainy here in San Diego and that has probably contributed to my blah feeling. My partner, Jack, is doing much better than I expected at quitting smoking. He has about 2 cigs a day, down from a pack a day. He promises he will quit completely or get help to stop. We have been a little snappy, but not too bad, really. We have been worse in the past when we tried to quit smoking.

Friday, October 14, 2005

72+ Hours of being Smoke Free!!

I am smoke free!! I am smoke free!! I am smoke free!! And I feel really good--freer, lighter. Maybe tomorrow I'll take myself for a walk. I felt like doing that today. I didn't do it, but felt like it, and eventually I'll get there.

There has been a few rough spots, but it hasn't been bad. Jack is doing fairly well, only one or 2 a day--that's after smoking a pack a day.

we are both slightly irritable with each other--much more that we ever would be if we weren't stopping smoking. And as a consequence, we are much more careful with each other. We're like two puppies coated with quilles, afraid we will hurt the other just by turning around. and of course, the other is afraid to accidently run into one of my quills.

But we are getting better at it. Tonight we had a "normal" feeling evening, we were kind and loving, our usual loving selves.

Haven't you ever struggled with stopping smoking, or at least some other drug? Share you experiences with us!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Today's The Day! The Stop Smoking Day

I'm still at my Crisis Hotline job this morning. My appointment with Gregg, the hypnotherapist is at 10 AM this morning. I have to admit I'm feeling somewhat anxious about giving up my addiction, my crutch, my pseudo friend, my time management tool, my distracter, my reward, my emotional-state changer. I know it is a "friend" who will kill me. In other words, not really a friend. But it sure masquerades as one very well! Any time I want it!!

It is my reward at the end of the day of work. When I wasn't smoking the most recent last time I quit, I would get out of work and instead of feeling happy about finishing and going home, I'd feel blah, like "what's fun about life, anyway?" That was scary!! Especially since I love my partner very much and love being with him and certainly look forward to being with him!

This morning, I'm thinking about that feeling of blah without cigarettes. They aren't just my reward, they are part of my shtick. It's a way of being naughty, a bad girl. That is a problem for me--what will I use to be a bad girl without smoking? I don't drink much, certainly don't use street drugs. One of the problems with getting older is your body begins to reap the consequences of being a naughty girl. It gets harder and harder to pretend that one can do naughty things and not have to pay the price!

I hope this hypnotherapist is good!! I'll let you know tomorrow. See ya! Hey, write me!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Reasons Why I want to Quit Smoking...

Now that I know I'm going to have surgery in November, 2005, I know I must stop smoking. I decided to use hypnosis this time to help me stay quit. I'm really an expert at quitting smoking but a failure at staying quit. I know I have a lot of company, but I should be able to do this while in a relationship.

I say "while in a relationship" because the last time I quit for 5 years was when I was not in a relationship. I quit last time using Nicotine Anonymous. The first year was horrible!! I was miserable for a year! I said I would never (always a dangerous word) smoke because I didn't want to ever have to go through that first year again. And that's one reason I'm using hypnosis this time, I'm hoping I can make the first year less miserable for me and for him.

I behave so terribly when I am not smoking and my partner is smoking, I doubt the relationship could make it through that first year. I am critical, superior, arrogant, unfriendly, and critical of his continued smoking. We'll see if I can manage it better this way.

I know I should want quit, but since I am a nicotine addict, I don't really want to, but I want to want to. That's about as honest as I can be about it. Here are some of the good things about not smoking:

  • my breath will come easier when I talk.
  • I will smell good.
  • the surgery will be safer.
  • my blood pressure will go down.
  • my health will get better.
  • I'll feel more like walking and working out.
  • I'll have more time to work out and walk.
  • I will be proud of myself for actually quitting and staying quit.
  • I won't have to sneak around and smoke.
  • I will be living more in alignment with my beliefs and with who I am.
  • We will be good examples for Joe.
  • I will be a good example for Jack, maybe.

That's all I can think of right now. I'll copy and paste these into my journal and take them with me tomorrow when I go.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

After The Second Opinion

What can I say? I went to the appointment for the 2nd opinion with Mary Wilde, MD, the Director of Scripps Polster Breast Care Center in San Diego, CA. My friend, Vincentia Schroeter, offered to go with me and I accepted her offer. We discussed ahead of time what questions I wanted to be sure to ask and she wrote them down.

Of course the most important question was,

"Given the mammograms, the Mammotest and the pathology report, do you recommend a lumpectomy with radiation or a mastectomy?"
Because the cancer sites are small, but are so far apart in the left breast, she answered that she recommended a mastectomy. It was rather a shock to me when I heard her say those words. Although the other surgeon, Elaine Tanaka, MD., had also said that, as had the Radiology Oncologist, I realized that I had secretly hoped that she might recommend either a lumpectomy or that there was no cancer at all. Ah, Denial...such a lovely defense mechanism! I hadn't realized that I was even in denial! Until I began to cry.

What she actually recommended was a "skin-saving mastectomy with reconstruction." I learned that the breast consists of 3 layers, the skin (which is made of skin cells, not breast cells), the fatty layers underneith, then the breast cells (which contain the cancer cells in DCIS). Under that is the pectoral muscles. The nipple and areola are part of the breast cells and can contain cancer cells, so they must go, too. That's the part I hate. But more later...

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Before The Second Opinion

I'm feeling better since Friday, September 30, 2005, when I had an appointment with my surgeon, Elaine Tanaka, MD at Scripps Green Hospital, and she was most empathic, helpful when I told her I wanted to get a 2nd opinion. I asked her if she specialized in breast surgery, she said there are only two of those in San Diego, one of whom is Mary Wilde, MD.

More later...