I'm Baaaaacccck!

Hey!! I AM back!! And in much better shape, emotionally! I'm feeling Much better, let's say that!!

Actually, a few days after my surgery on October 26, 2005, I began to feel a whole lot better emotionally, like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders! I began to feel that way when I said to friends, "I'm cured!" "I no longer have cancer." Of course, I have to admit, there is a little tiny, tiny voice in the back of my head saying, "oh, don't tempt the Gods, maybe you have cancer somewhere else and it just hasn't shown up yet!" Well, that may be true but for this round, I'm cured!

I was doing pretty good the morning of the surgery, holding it all together pretty well, having a cheerful smile on my face, etc., when they told me I had to go down to another room and have an injection in my nipple for the dye to check out my lymph nodes for their biopsy. Uh, okay. An injection in my nipple??? Can't they put me to sleep for that? "No," they said, "because how would we get you back here?" Well, okay, it must not be too bad, I guess. Duh!! It was horrible!! Don't ever let anyone inject something into your nipple!! My words of advise!!

I couldn't believe it! The sweet little 35 year old female MD who did the injection was saying, "oh, no one complains about this, it's like a little bee sting." Well, to me it felt like a 200lb bee slamming into my nipple with his huge mean stinger!! I'd never let them do that to me again awake!!

After that, my composure was gone, I just started crying and crying, feeling very sorry for myself!! Fortunately my sweet partner was there and he was very loving, which certainly helped. Fortunately, they also put me to sleep pretty soon after that, around 2 PM in the afternoon at the Anderson Outpatient Clinic, for a "skin-saving" mastectomy. I thought I might even be going home that night, from what the nurses said. Didn't happen. They decided to keep me. I woke up around 6 or 7 pm and was still pretty out of it.

My partner stayed for awhile, but I was pretty dopey. He told me he left me my handbag, but I didn't remember later that he had told me that. I did get to feeling better each hour as the night went on. Probably about midnight, I could have gone home, but it was just as well that I stayed the night.

I had a drainage tube coming out of my left armpit and my left breast felt pretty sensitive. Here it is, November 14, 2005 when I am writing this and I still have the drainage tube coming out of my armpit and my breast is still pretty sensitive! I can drive, for short trips, like 10 miles. This afternoon I'm going to my plastic surgeon's office to have the drain removed. Thank heaven!! That will be a big improvement. Then I also have an appointment with the medical oncologist. She is going to tell me about my pathology report, whatever the heck that is...I'll let you know.

Write me please and let me know about your experiences.

6 Days Smoke Free!!

The hypnosis is working! I haven't smoked since Tuesday at 9:30 AM. I'm proud of myself and I doubt if I would have stuck to it so well if I didn't absolutely have to because of the upcoming surgery.

My mind is such a Crafty Little Sucker!! It has gone through my mind to go have a "ciggy"--that's my little friend's name. My deadly friend. I can't let myself get too cozy with him. Why a him? I don't know, just seems to be the right word.

The first few days, maybe four, I felt pretty good, light and airy. Delighted with myself. Not that I didn't have the Urge. I did, but I managed it, using the tapping method Gregg, the hypnotherapist taught me. But yesterday and today, I have felt that blah feeling about life without cigarettes. I think I'll go back to the hypnotist. I don't really trust myself. Actually, I doubt if I will smoke again, at least until after the surgery. But I know I will make myself miserable.

And I hate it that I wrote I might smoke again after the surgery!! I do need that hypnosis again!!

The main thing, other than blah, that I notice is how much more I am smelling things! I remember one other time I quit, I notice more pleasant smells like perfume. This time, for some reason, I notice unpleasant smells. Well, just that everything smells more intensely.

It's been cloudy and rainy here in San Diego and that has probably contributed to my blah feeling. My partner, Jack, is doing much better than I expected at quitting smoking. He has about 2 cigs a day, down from a pack a day. He promises he will quit completely or get help to stop. We have been a little snappy, but not too bad, really. We have been worse in the past when we tried to quit smoking.

72+ Hours of being Smoke Free!!

I am smoke free!! I am smoke free!! I am smoke free!! And I feel really good--freer, lighter. Maybe tomorrow I'll take myself for a walk. I felt like doing that today. I didn't do it, but felt like it, and eventually I'll get there.

There has been a few rough spots, but it hasn't been bad. Jack is doing fairly well, only one or 2 a day--that's after smoking a pack a day.

we are both slightly irritable with each other--much more that we ever would be if we weren't stopping smoking. And as a consequence, we are much more careful with each other. We're like two puppies coated with quilles, afraid we will hurt the other just by turning around. and of course, the other is afraid to accidently run into one of my quills.

But we are getting better at it. Tonight we had a "normal" feeling evening, we were kind and loving, our usual loving selves.

Haven't you ever struggled with stopping smoking, or at least some other drug? Share you experiences with us!

Today's The Day! The Stop Smoking Day

I'm still at my Crisis Hotline job this morning. My appointment with Gregg, the hypnotherapist is at 10 AM this morning. I have to admit I'm feeling somewhat anxious about giving up my addiction, my crutch, my pseudo friend, my time management tool, my distracter, my reward, my emotional-state changer. I know it is a "friend" who will kill me. In other words, not really a friend. But it sure masquerades as one very well! Any time I want it!!

It is my reward at the end of the day of work. When I wasn't smoking the most recent last time I quit, I would get out of work and instead of feeling happy about finishing and going home, I'd feel blah, like "what's fun about life, anyway?" That was scary!! Especially since I love my partner very much and love being with him and certainly look forward to being with him!

This morning, I'm thinking about that feeling of blah without cigarettes. They aren't just my reward, they are part of my shtick. It's a way of being naughty, a bad girl. That is a problem for me--what will I use to be a bad girl without smoking? I don't drink much, certainly don't use street drugs. One of the problems with getting older is your body begins to reap the consequences of being a naughty girl. It gets harder and harder to pretend that one can do naughty things and not have to pay the price!

I hope this hypnotherapist is good!! I'll let you know tomorrow. See ya! Hey, write me!

Reasons Why I want to Quit Smoking...

Now that I know I'm going to have surgery in November, 2005, I know I must stop smoking. I decided to use hypnosis this time to help me stay quit. I'm really an expert at quitting smoking but a failure at staying quit. I know I have a lot of company, but I should be able to do this while in a relationship.

I say "while in a relationship" because the last time I quit for 5 years was when I was not in a relationship. I quit last time using Nicotine Anonymous. The first year was horrible!! I was miserable for a year! I said I would never (always a dangerous word) smoke because I didn't want to ever have to go through that first year again. And that's one reason I'm using hypnosis this time, I'm hoping I can make the first year less miserable for me and for him.

I behave so terribly when I am not smoking and my partner is smoking, I doubt the relationship could make it through that first year. I am critical, superior, arrogant, unfriendly, and critical of his continued smoking. We'll see if I can manage it better this way.

I know I should want quit, but since I am a nicotine addict, I don't really want to, but I want to want to. That's about as honest as I can be about it. Here are some of the good things about not smoking:

• my breath will come easier when I talk.
• I will smell good.
• the surgery will be safer.
• my blood pressure will go down.
• my health will get better.
• I'll feel more like walking and working out.
• I'll have more time to work out and walk.
• I will be proud of myself for actually quitting and staying quit.
• I won't have to sneak around and smoke.
• I will be living more in alignment with my beliefs and with who I am.
• We will be good examples for Joe.
• I will be a good example for Jack, maybe.

That's all I can think of right now. I'll copy and paste these into my journal and take them with me tomorrow when I go.

After The Second Opinion

What can I say? I went to the appointment for the 2nd opinion with Mary Wilde, MD, the Director of Scripps Polster Breast Care Center in San Diego, CA. My friend, Vincentia Schroeter, offered to go with me and I accepted her offer. We discussed ahead of time what questions I wanted to be sure to ask and she wrote them down.

Of course the most important question was,

"Given the mammograms, the Mammotest and the pathology report, do you recommend a lumpectomy with radiation or a mastectomy?"

Because the cancer sites are small, but are so far apart in the left breast, she answered that she recommended a mastectomy. It was rather a shock to me when I heard her say those words. Although the other surgeon, Elaine Tanaka, MD., had also said that, as had the Radiology Oncologist, I realized that I had secretly hoped that she might recommend either a lumpectomy or that there was no cancer at all. Ah, Denial...such a lovely defense mechanism! I hadn't realized that I was even in denial! Until I began to cry.

What she actually recommended was a "skin-saving mastectomy with reconstruction." I learned that the breast consists of 3 layers, the skin (which is made of skin cells, not breast cells), the fatty layers underneith, then the breast cells (which contain the cancer cells in DCIS). Under that is the pectoral muscles. The nipple and areola are part of the breast cells and can contain cancer cells, so they must go, too. That's the part I hate. But more later...

Before The Second Opinion

I'm feeling better since Friday, September 30, 2005, when I had an appointment with my surgeon, Elaine Tanaka, MD at Scripps Green Hospital, and she was most empathic, helpful when I told her I wanted to get a 2nd opinion. I asked her if she specialized in breast surgery, she said there are only two of those in San Diego, one of whom is Mary Wilde, MD.

More later...

Life's Sudden Shock

About August 29, 2005, I was diagnosed with DCIS breast cancer! It was quite a shock! I've decided to use this blog partly for my own processing of my experience and partly so that others can benefit, possibly, from my experience. I know it certainly has helped me to read or talk with other women who have shared their experiences of breast cancer with me.

Fortunately for me, the cancer was caught in a very early stage, Stage 0. That means it's less that 2 cm in size. Well, it turns out, several tests later that there are three "sites" of my breast cancer, they aren't really tumors at this point. In other words, they are so small, they can't be called tumors yet. That's why they are identified as Stage 0. Now, understand, I'm hardly an expert on this, I am learning daily as I stumble along through this frightening forest.

Another good thing about this DCIS cancer is that it isn't the invasive kind, so I won't die of it, assuming I take care of things fairly soon, and there is no rush. So what is so upsetting about this? Well, on September 5, 2005, I thought they didn't even do mastectomies anymore. Just goes to show you how little I knew!

Yes, they do! And that's what they are recommending I get. And since the cancer is non-invasive and is so small, I won't even need radiation or chemotherapy, anyway as of today, that's what they are saying. That would be good mostly because I could have the surgery and immediately have reconstruction of my breasts.

Sounds pretty good, huh? Well, yes and no. Yes, did you know (I surely didn't) that there are laws that require insurance companies to pay for reconstruction of the breast after a mastectomy? Basically a "boob job" paid for by the insurance company. Not bad, eh? Only trouble is--I know I'm whining--but it's blog and my breasts, so I can. When you get a reconstruction job, they don't save your nipples, usually. They replace them with a tattoo!! Hey--there is a difference between a nipple and a brown spot!! They feel much different from where I'm coming! I much prefer my genuine nipples!!

Okay, I think what's really bothering me is the uncertainty about making the "right" decision. So far, I've had two mammograms, one UltraSound on one breast and one UltraSound on both breasts, one MRI, one Mammotest (more about this later!) biopsy, and I'm soon to have another, a MRI Needle Biopsy. And they are still trying to determine how much cancer I do have and what should we do about it.

Should they do a lumpectomy and then radiation and chemotherapy? They may not get it all and the Radiology Oncologist (he's the MD that treats someone with cancer based on the radiology images, I guess. He's different than the Radiologists who are MDs who read the mammograms and MRIs). The Radiology Oncologist told me that the cancer returns in 50% of women who elect to have a lumpectomy and radiation and of those women, the cancer returns as invasive cancer 25% of the time!

That doesn't sound good at all!! First of all, I don't really want to go through radiation. My ex-mother-in-law died of the consequences of radiation. Her cancer was cured, but she was debilitated by the radiation and developed Bell's Palsy and died. I know that doesn't happen to everyone, but...I'd rather not go through all that, thankyouverymuch!

The thing that makes this so hard is also, I don't know these doctors--how do i know if they really know what they are talking about. How do I know if they are really experts, talented, exceptional surgeons, etc? Those are the only kind I want working on me.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the surgeon, a lovely young asian-american woman who appears kind, thoughtful, and busy. This will be the third appointment with her. I'm going to tell her I want a second opinion. Just because I think I should get one. I need to know that more "experts" are looking at these tests and images.

More on all these tomorrow after I see the surgeon. I'm sure this will be an ongoing journal. Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share your comments.

Experimenting with Blogger for Word

Experimenting…with Blogger for Word, a nifty new plug-in to help bloggers blog. I don’t really have much to say this afternoon, just wanted to see how easy/hard it was to use the Blogger for Word program.

AOL study reveals some surprising results about why we blog

I read an interesting short article on Les Bain's Blog site: http://blogging-information.blogspot.com/2005/09/aol-survey-says-people-blog-as-therapy.html about an AOL survey which revealed that most people blog for therapy. It also said that 6 times as many people blog for therapy as seek professional therapy.

I found that to be interesting. Since I am a professional therapist, I'm curious as to why that is. Some possibilities are that it certainly is less expensive, it's easier to get to--no appointments necessary, no waiting--one can get to the therapy right in the moment one needs it. My only question really is, is it therapy?

It is an opportunity to express oneself, no doubt. But is that therapy? I think that what is healing in therapy is the relationship between the client and the therapist. I think that healing happens when the client expresses him/herself and is listened to/witnessed by the therapist in an accepting manner.

I'm not so naive as to think that always happens even in face-to-face therapy. But I'm talking about good therapy. Not advise-giving, or passing judgement. Research indicates that what heals is not the type of therapy (cognitive-behavioral therapy, EMDR, etc.) but the relationship between the client and the therapist that matters.

I think that what this survey does show is that therapists or the therapeutic community needs to re-think new ways to offer therapy so that it is more available to more people. Any ideas? There is online therapy, see http://www.ismho.org/casestudy/myths.htm. Got any other ideas?