To Wed or Not to Wed...that is the question.

I'm thinkin' about getting married in about 2.5 weeks to the man I've been living with for 5+ years. Why am I debating about this after all this time? Well, there is a significant difference between marriage and living together. It's called the C word or Commitment.

All my Mental Illnesses come up when I start to think about getting married. As a therapist once said to me, "What makes you so optimistic?" We do have fun together, considering we both have responsibility disorders. His is that he is too responsible; mine is not responsible enough, sort of. Of course, you can see why we fit together so well.

We like each other a lot, in addition to loving each other. We share values about relationships, people, kids, and money. We have mostly worked those things out over the past 5 years. We resolve issues between us very well. I tell him "I'm having a problem about something." We sit down ASAP and I have his full attention. I love that about him!! I seldom get angry at him anymore because I know I don't need to. He is responsive! What a lovely thing in a man!

So what's the problem? you probably are thinkin'.

He is a devoted father to his 15.5 year old son who lives with us. He is a devoted son to his 85 year old mother recently diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. He is an only child. He is also a financial consultant, which means he works hard and long but inconsistently. He earns lots of money when working, but sometimes he can go 6 months without a job, then he gets a job and earns $1000 a day for 12 days out of town. I feel like I get lost in the shuffle of all these responsibilities.

Suggestions? Thoughts? Ideas?

Struggling with life...fortunately!

Okay, I decided to write again. Last post was November 17, 2006. I notice I am ready to write again for a couple of reasons. No one has responded with comments and that is disappointing. However, I decided to write this for myself because I like to be able to read this much later and remember how I was feeling.

When I look back over my posts, I had forgotten that I had even written them, so that was great--to be able to read what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

Now what's going on with me? April 6, 2007, I am going back under the knife, so to speak. I'm having my left breast reconstructed again. I don't like the way it looks, looks like a speed bump with a scar. That is not satisfactory!!

I am worrying that I still won't like it. We (the surgeon and I) have chosen a larger implant. I'm worrying that maybe it will be too big and look funny compared to the right breast, which looks fine. I like my surgeon, but I'm not sure I have a lot of confidence in him at the moment. However, in talking with other people who have had reconstructive breast surgery, none are all that pleased. I did see some pics up on a web site for the plastic surgeons that looked pretty good, but maybe they were made to look good with PhotoShop. Also the plastic surgeons were in some other state, so that lets them out of the question.

I guess what this shows me is that I prefer to go with what I know rather than changing to the unknown. Maybe I would have chosen a different plastic surgeon if I had heard first hand of a good one.

Another thing that's going on for me is that I am getting married just before my surgery, March 30, 2007. We have been living together for 5+ years happily, so you wouldn't think getting married would be any big deal. It is and it isn't. It seems to be that it's a more serious decision than just to live together. More on that later.

I'd love to get your opinions, suggestions, thoughts, judgements...