"Those things don't happen to me!"
Five minutes ago I had no idea I wanted to write about this today. It's something I've been thinking about lately, way back in the dark recesses of my mind. Even though I think of myself as having had breast cancer lite since it was DCIS, stage 0 and I didn't have to have any radiation or chemotherapy, one of the ways that it changed me is that I no longer have the illusion that "those things don't happen to me." It really is a loss of innocence, or maybe just a loss of denial, I suppose.
It really changes everything. Having had cancer, even recovered from cancer, gives me the feeling that my life is shorter. Therefore, I must not waste it. Every day must be spent meaningfully. I ask myself, is this what I want to be doing today? Is this important enough to be spending my limited time doing?
Which leads me to another discussion. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of not knowing when I will die, not knowing how much time I have left. 5 years? 10 years? 12 years? 2 years? My mother-in-law just died March 25, 2007. She was 85 years old. She planned to live much longer and was disappointed she didn't get to live with her grandson, which they had planned.
What if you could know when you would die? How would it change your life? What would you do differently? What has happened in your life that was life-changing?
4 comments:
It's so wonderful and sad and heartwarming to hear that your 85 year-old mother-in-law was disappointed that she wouldn't live with her grandson. We take it for granted that we're going to die someday. We think that 85 years will be enough time, but it ISN'T. You don't want to die at 85 any more than you want to at 25.
I think generally, accepting death as part of my life causes me to complain less, be more honest, and love more. But I'm not about to start skydiving... :)
Hey Sassy,
Hmmmmm, I guess I don't think about dying yet. I'm still obsessing about my daughter's, worrying if they will be ok. Since the 17 yr old daughter I have recently spun out in her car. She was following behind me one minute and the next I didnt' see her behind me. I pulled over thinking that maybe she had turned around to go back to the house to get her cell phone or something. I waited for a few minutes and she finally came zooming past me. I pulled her over and asked what happened and she was crying. She said she was trying to shoe a fly out of the car window and she looked up and saw she was off the road. She over compensated and jerked the car back on the road and over compensated again and went back off the road and then jerked back onto the road and spun around 360 degrees. God had to been watching over her, that there wasn't a car coming the other direction and that she lost control. Now everytime she drives I get nervous. Especially when she takes me 8 yr old daughter with her. I might die of a heart attack soon.
I think this business of thinking about dying is partly age-related. I certainly didn't think much about dying when I was in my 30s and even in my 40s. I really didn't think much about it in my 50s either, I thought more about aging, not about dying.
Green daze 44--yes, having a teen who is driving is a very scary thing!! No matter how mature or intelligent they may be, their pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain that demonstrates good judgement, is not adequately developed yet. There is a movement to get driver's licenses delayed until age 18. One study showed that 100% of children who got their license at age 16 had an accident that first year. Very scary, indeed!
I wish I could given you better news. Maybe your younger daughter should not ride around with your older daughter driving. Just a thought.
Yes. I agree with you Sassy. Thinking about dying in life is often age-related. I was not thinking about it when I was young. I would say it needs a lot of confidence to overcome all these thoughts in life when we grow old. I feel sorry for your mother-in-law. I am really happy hearing from you, "You are not afraid of dying". You are a better breast cancer survivor I have ever seen.
Wish you get well soon.
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