Hi All,
I'm back! Already so soon!
I'm taking a writing class at UCSD Extension Univerity. There, I met a wonderful woman who also has a blog, www.domesticirritation.com. Her blog is about humorous comments on the "fun" of being a mother of two young children and of being a wife and a daughter. Check it out--she is funny and insightful! Hey, give her a comment, too. We all love a response.
Sometimes writing a blog is like the sound of one hand clapping, you know?
Okay, I know it's been a loooong while since I posted. I have been taking a writing class from UCSD Extension University and wanted to do daily writings for the classes; if I wrote in the blog, it would distract me from my other writings, so I didn't do any writing, no journalling, nothing except my daily writing for class. It was great fun, and hard, too.
I did get married on March 19, 2007. My husband's mother was at the very small, sudden wedding because she was failing fast after having been diagnosed with lung cancer earlier in the month. In fact, she died a week after our wedding, so I'm glad we hurried up the wedding.
Then, April 5, 2007, I had my final reconstructive surgery done on my left breast, the mastectomized one. I hadn't been happy with the results of the reconstruction, so they did it again. Larger implant this time. I had been worried that it would be too big, but it seems just right--matches the right one just fine, at least for now. It looks like probably in a few years, the right one will need an implant to match the left one with an implant, or else it will be hanging down to my knees. Oh hum, aging isn't for the faint of heart.
But I am feeling better. My husband and I are thinking about moving to Costa Rica to retire in about 3 years. I've been reading a terrific book, Living Abroad in Costa Rica, by Erin Van Rheenen. She has a web site: http:www.livingabroadincostarica.com but I haven't checked it out yet. Since they speak Spanish in Costa Rica, I am taking Spanish lessons online from Rosetta Stone.com. Really takes a lot of time--I try to work on it daily for at least an hour. It's fun to learn something like that but unfortunately, my 62 year old brain has some trouble memorizing, so I just do it repeatedly.
So you can see that life is pretty full. More later...BTW, it's more fun to write in the blog if people make comments, so write, write, comment, comment, please.
I'm thinkin' about getting married in about 2.5 weeks to the man I've been living with for 5+ years. Why am I debating about this after all this time? Well, there is a significant difference between marriage and living together. It's called the C word or Commitment.
All my Mental Illnesses come up when I start to think about getting married. As a therapist once said to me, "What makes you so optimistic?" We do have fun together, considering we both have responsibility disorders. His is that he is too responsible; mine is not responsible enough, sort of. Of course, you can see why we fit together so well.
We like each other a lot, in addition to loving each other. We share values about relationships, people, kids, and money. We have mostly worked those things out over the past 5 years. We resolve issues between us very well. I tell him "I'm having a problem about something." We sit down ASAP and I have his full attention. I love that about him!! I seldom get angry at him anymore because I know I don't need to. He is responsive! What a lovely thing in a man!
So what's the problem? you probably are thinkin'.
He is a devoted father to his 15.5 year old son who lives with us. He is a devoted son to his 85 year old mother recently diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. He is an only child. He is also a financial consultant, which means he works hard and long but inconsistently. He earns lots of money when working, but sometimes he can go 6 months without a job, then he gets a job and earns $1000 a day for 12 days out of town. I feel like I get lost in the shuffle of all these responsibilities.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Ideas?
Okay, I decided to write again. Last post was November 17, 2006. I notice I am ready to write again for a couple of reasons. No one has responded with comments and that is disappointing. However, I decided to write this for myself because I like to be able to read this much later and remember how I was feeling.
When I look back over my posts, I had forgotten that I had even written them, so that was great--to be able to read what I was thinking and feeling at the time.
Now what's going on with me? April 6, 2007, I am going back under the knife, so to speak. I'm having my left breast reconstructed again. I don't like the way it looks, looks like a speed bump with a scar. That is not satisfactory!!
I am worrying that I still won't like it. We (the surgeon and I) have chosen a larger implant. I'm worrying that maybe it will be too big and look funny compared to the right breast, which looks fine. I like my surgeon, but I'm not sure I have a lot of confidence in him at the moment. However, in talking with other people who have had reconstructive breast surgery, none are all that pleased. I did see some pics up on a web site for the plastic surgeons that looked pretty good, but maybe they were made to look good with PhotoShop. Also the plastic surgeons were in some other state, so that lets them out of the question.
I guess what this shows me is that I prefer to go with what I know rather than changing to the unknown. Maybe I would have chosen a different plastic surgeon if I had heard first hand of a good one.
Another thing that's going on for me is that I am getting married just before my surgery, March 30, 2007. We have been living together for 5+ years happily, so you wouldn't think getting married would be any big deal. It is and it isn't. It seems to be that it's a more serious decision than just to live together. More on that later.
I'd love to get your opinions, suggestions, thoughts, judgements...
Thinkin' about bloggin'
It's never too late to continue one's blog, apparently. I decided to come back and write more mostly because I find it so interesting to read it later, even if no one comments.
One thing I have to admit is that I did start smoking again--shame, shame. I am truly an addict, that's all I can admit. More about that later. We are talking about quitting again. I'm ashamed to admit I don't have much confidence in either Jack or myself staying quit. But I guess 'tis better to quit and loose than never to have quit at all. Ha!
Since it is November 17, 2006, it is the anniversary of my breast cancer surgery. Actually, I guess that's not exactly true. I've got to go back and figure out when the surgeries were done. Anyway, my breasts are feeling pretty pain free, but I'm not happy with the way the left one upon which they did the mastectomy looks. The right one looks great and feels good and there is good feeling in the nipple.
It seems to me the left one is too deflated-looking. No nipple there yet. I went back to my plastic surgeon a couple of months ago and he said he could do another surgery, paid for by the insurance. I think he should have put in a heftier implant. At that appointment, he said we would set up another appointment in November and see how things have settled out.
By that time he was out on medical leave of absense. Instead, I saw another plastic surgeon whom I had used about 3 years ago for a tummy tuck. He thinks the implant may have turned slightly so that the part that hangs down isn't hanging down anymore. And he thinks it should be a larger implant. He doesn't do implants anymore, so I'm going to have a consultation with another plastic surgeon around the end of the month. By that time Dr. Schneider may be back at his practice.
After having talked with a few breast cancer survivors who have gone through restoration surgery, I haven't found anyone who is that happy with the results or with their surgeon. I'm going to keep looking.
I've decided to come back and write some more posts. I was off line for a couple of weeks because I moved and wasn't working. I had surgery, my last one, hopefully, probably, on the reconstruction of my left breast from the breast cancer mastectomy last August. This was the easiest surgery so far.
The worst part was the drainage pipe left in after surgery. The surgery was July 12, 06, and the doctor removed the drain pipe a week later. I was shocked to see how long the pipe is, about 10 inches! And they just yank it out!! I've had one after each surgery, but somehow, I'd never asked to see it after it was out. Surprisingly, it's not usually very painful when they yank it out, although this time, it was a bit. Anyway, I yelled. Of course, Jack, my partner, says I have a pain level of 1. In other words, when my pain level gets to 1, I need to deal with it. Anyway, it's out!! And my quality of life improved significantly.
I promise to be back soon, this time. Even if people don't comment, I'm still going to keep bloggin'. See ya!
Hey!! I AM back!! And in much better shape, emotionally! I'm feeling Much better, let's say that!!
Actually, a few days after my surgery on October 26, 2005, I began to feel a whole lot better emotionally, like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders! I began to feel that way when I said to friends, "I'm cured!" "I no longer have cancer." Of course, I have to admit, there is a little tiny, tiny voice in the back of my head saying, "oh, don't tempt the Gods, maybe you have cancer somewhere else and it just hasn't shown up yet!" Well, that may be true but for this round, I'm cured!
I was doing pretty good the morning of the surgery, holding it all together pretty well, having a cheerful smile on my face, etc., when they told me I had to go down to another room and have an injection in my nipple for the dye to check out my lymph nodes for their biopsy. Uh, okay. An injection in my nipple??? Can't they put me to sleep for that? "No," they said, "because how would we get you back here?" Well, okay, it must not be too bad, I guess. Duh!! It was horrible!! Don't ever let anyone inject something into your nipple!! My words of advise!!
I couldn't believe it! The sweet little 35 year old female MD who did the injection was saying, "oh, no one complains about this, it's like a little bee sting." Well, to me it felt like a 200lb bee slamming into my nipple with his huge mean stinger!! I'd never let them do that to me again awake!!
After that, my composure was gone, I just started crying and crying, feeling very sorry for myself!! Fortunately my sweet partner was there and he was very loving, which certainly helped. Fortunately, they also put me to sleep pretty soon after that, around 2 PM in the afternoon at the Anderson Outpatient Clinic, for a "skin-saving" mastectomy. I thought I might even be going home that night, from what the nurses said. Didn't happen. They decided to keep me. I woke up around 6 or 7 pm and was still pretty out of it.
My partner stayed for awhile, but I was pretty dopey. He told me he left me my handbag, but I didn't remember later that he had told me that. I did get to feeling better each hour as the night went on. Probably about midnight, I could have gone home, but it was just as well that I stayed the night.
I had a drainage tube coming out of my left armpit and my left breast felt pretty sensitive. Here it is, November 14, 2005 when I am writing this and I still have the drainage tube coming out of my armpit and my breast is still pretty sensitive! I can drive, for short trips, like 10 miles. This afternoon I'm going to my plastic surgeon's office to have the drain removed. Thank heaven!! That will be a big improvement. Then I also have an appointment with the medical oncologist. She is going to tell me about my pathology report, whatever the heck that is...I'll let you know.
Write me please and let me know about your experiences.
