Parent, Adult, Child states stimulated by domesticirritation.com

Since I am a therapist and the mother of 2 daughters (both adults, thank heaven! Whether they know it or not...LOL), here's a bit of information about how some therapists (Transactional Analysts) look at these various selves within us. This comes from the 70's Eric Bernes' book, Games People Play.

Transactional Analysis. I don't think I'd be the person I am today without that knowledge.

Transactional Analysis, shortened to TA, held the theory that all of us have the following 'ego states' inside of us; the Free Child, the Adaptive Child, the Adult, the Loving Parent, and finally the Critical Parent.The free child state is the creative, fun, feeling state, the joyful, laughing and crying state, our emotions; the Adaptive Child state is the one that is the good girl/boy, the one who wants to adapt, to fit in, be a part of the group/the family; the Adult self is the part that is 'Just the Facts, ma'am', no emotion, no judgement; the loving parent is the part of us that forgives our mistakes, is kind to ourselves and others, is supportive of ourselves and others, is generous and loving; and the Critical Parent is just that--critical and/or abusive to ourselves and others.

Of course, all of us have these states, even your partners, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, bosses, relatives, etc., don't forget. And it gets complicated in any relationships when one of their states is in conflict with the state you happen to be in at that moment. But more another time.

Domestic Irritation: Will the Real Melissa please stand up?

Domestic Irritation: Will the Real Melissa please stand up?

Those pretty green sandals...

I loved those pretty green sandals! Not sandals like for summertime casual in the sand, but more like special, fancy dress-up shoes for young girls. I don't remember really where they came from. I don't remember that I picked them out. I don't remember that I saw them in the store and wanted them badly, so badly that my mother bought them for me.

But I do remember that I loved how pretty and special I would feel if I got to wear them. And I remember the trouble they caused.

Shoes like that are bad for your feet, my father said, when he returned home from a field trip and they were on my feet. I do remember my feelings of injustice--how could these pretty green shoes be bad for my feet? And I do remember that I couldn't say that out loud. And I do remember my mother could say it out loud, but she had no say. I do remember I knew that. I do remember I knew the pretty green sandals would not be worn any more, at least not when my father was around.

My father was the one who decided what would happen and what wouldn't happen, at least when he was around. I didn't like being a girl because it meant you couldn't decide for yourself if you wanted to wear the pretty green sandals.

It didn't look to me like it got any better when you were an adult woman, because my mother couldn't say if I got to wear the pretty green sandals. But then, if you were a boy, you didn't even want to wear pretty green sandals. Maybe that wasn't true. Maybe my brother wanted to wear those pretty green sandals, too. Several years later he was caught stealing women's shoes out of their homes and had to go to therapy. Maybe he thought shoes held the power.

Being able to decide for myself what I wanted to do or not do became my life script. And it serves me well, most of the time. Once in a while I meet a man or even a woman who has trouble with people who like to decide for themselves. When that happens, I think they are doing me a favor by letting me know we are not right for each other, as friends, bosses, lovers, employees, whoever. And we say "Good-bye" sometimes easily, sometimes not easily.

Do you decide what you want to do or not do? Do you speak up if you are with someone you don't like to be with? How did you learn that you could decide or not decide what you wanted to do?

Domestic Irritation: Not a Mask -- A Lesson at Jamba Juice

Domestic Irritation: Not a Mask -- A Lesson at Jamba Juice

"Those things don't happen to me!"

Five minutes ago I had no idea I wanted to write about this today. It's something I've been thinking about lately, way back in the dark recesses of my mind. Even though I think of myself as having had breast cancer lite since it was DCIS, stage 0 and I didn't have to have any radiation or chemotherapy, one of the ways that it changed me is that I no longer have the illusion that "those things don't happen to me." It really is a loss of innocence, or maybe just a loss of denial, I suppose.

It really changes everything. Having had cancer, even recovered from cancer, gives me the feeling that my life is shorter. Therefore, I must not waste it. Every day must be spent meaningfully. I ask myself, is this what I want to be doing today? Is this important enough to be spending my limited time doing?

Which leads me to another discussion. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of not knowing when I will die, not knowing how much time I have left. 5 years? 10 years? 12 years? 2 years? My mother-in-law just died March 25, 2007. She was 85 years old. She planned to live much longer and was disappointed she didn't get to live with her grandson, which they had planned.

What if you could know when you would die? How would it change your life? What would you do differently? What has happened in your life that was life-changing?

Searching for your purpose in life?

Having a purpose in life is one of the most important things us humans need after food, shelter, safety. But of course, no one teaches us how to think about that much less go about finding and knowing our purpose--well, many self-help books and organized religion do. So it's not like there's not a need for guidance in this area.

What happens, I think, is that we unconsciously gravitate to something our parents chose, or what society says we should choose. For example, in hindsight, I think I had children mainly to give my life purpose and structure--society says that's what women should do, right? Now that doesn't mean I don't love my kids, of course I do, that has nothing to do with it. I simply didn't know what else to do with my life so I had children, two of them, 10 years apart. That structured my life and solved my life purpose need for 27 years!! Wow!

During those 27 years in which I was raising them, I was also growing up myself. That's kind of the way it works, I'm afraid. When I say growing up, I mean learning much more about myself, including who I was/am and my "real" purpose, or I would like to say now, my "conscious" choices of my purpose.

Some of what I learned in these years of growing up is that I don't have to have one single purpose, it can change and be refined as I grow and change myself. In my 20s and 30s, I was a jewelry designer in Houston, Texas. I have a bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Jewelry Design because I like creating beauty in the world and that's how I did it.

To tell the truth, I didn't know that when I started my Fine Arts Degree. I wanted to please my father by becoming an artist. I also loved artistically designed mental art objects, including jewelry I had seen at the Contempory Arts Museum Fine Crafts Exhibit in New York City in 1971.

Eventually, I decided creating beauty wasn't enough. I found that I had a talent for influencing people regarding intangibles, such as ideas, concepts. I learned this because I sold people jewelry before it was created and most of the time they loved it when it was actually created.

However, I decided what I really wanted to do was influence people to be happier, feel better about themselves, to help people expand their limited beliefs about themselves, etc. In other words, I decided I wanted to become a psychotherapist. What I love about being a therapist is I get to facilitate people in the process of becoming greater than they think they are. I love it!! I can see it happen right before my eyes and it is a true thrill!

Do you love what you do? Does it fit your purpose in life? What is your purpose? Has it changed as you grow? Mine sure has!

Friend with great blog!!

Hi All,
I'm back! Already so soon!

I'm taking a writing class at UCSD Extension Univerity. There, I met a wonderful woman who also has a blog, www.domesticirritation.com. Her blog is about humorous comments on the "fun" of being a mother of two young children and of being a wife and a daughter. Check it out--she is funny and insightful! Hey, give her a comment, too. We all love a response.

Sometimes writing a blog is like the sound of one hand clapping, you know?

I'm all finished with surgery!

Okay, I know it's been a loooong while since I posted. I have been taking a writing class from UCSD Extension University and wanted to do daily writings for the classes; if I wrote in the blog, it would distract me from my other writings, so I didn't do any writing, no journalling, nothing except my daily writing for class. It was great fun, and hard, too.

I did get married on March 19, 2007. My husband's mother was at the very small, sudden wedding because she was failing fast after having been diagnosed with lung cancer earlier in the month. In fact, she died a week after our wedding, so I'm glad we hurried up the wedding.

Then, April 5, 2007, I had my final reconstructive surgery done on my left breast, the mastectomized one. I hadn't been happy with the results of the reconstruction, so they did it again. Larger implant this time. I had been worried that it would be too big, but it seems just right--matches the right one just fine, at least for now. It looks like probably in a few years, the right one will need an implant to match the left one with an implant, or else it will be hanging down to my knees. Oh hum, aging isn't for the faint of heart.

But I am feeling better. My husband and I are thinking about moving to Costa Rica to retire in about 3 years. I've been reading a terrific book, Living Abroad in Costa Rica, by Erin Van Rheenen. She has a web site: http:www.livingabroadincostarica.com but I haven't checked it out yet. Since they speak Spanish in Costa Rica, I am taking Spanish lessons online from Rosetta Stone.com. Really takes a lot of time--I try to work on it daily for at least an hour. It's fun to learn something like that but unfortunately, my 62 year old brain has some trouble memorizing, so I just do it repeatedly.

So you can see that life is pretty full. More later...BTW, it's more fun to write in the blog if people make comments, so write, write, comment, comment, please.