Inspiration from Comments...

I have really been remiss in writing here on this blog, mostly because so few people leave comments. Today I received a lovely comment from one of my fellow desert dwellers. She found me through a comment I left on another blog. I was very touched and look forward to meeting her when she comes back down here. Many people live here only in the summer.

I can understand that. One of the things that's interesting about spending some time out here all year around is that we are much more aware of Mother Nature. Somehow, in the city, we are more isolated from Mother Nature. Anyway, I feel that way. Here today the winds are blowing at about 40 MPH gusts. The clouds are rolling in over the mountains.

The wind has been so strong that it has blown all the hummingbird food out of it's little container. It actually blows it out through the "flowers" that the hummers drink from. We put a bird feeder out, too, and those birds are having a good time eating and even taking baths from the bird bath.

Thank you, Maureen, for your comment. See, one never knows how one inspires another.

New Adventures with The Seasons in the Desert.

Okay, we read the weather report while we were still in San Diego. Yes, it was cool for San Diego--70s. Pleasant, of course. And it was supposed to be 71 in Jacumba on Thursday morning. Now, we had seen weather reports of 85 in Jacumba; my husband laughing, "Yeah, right!" when it felt like 95+ in the sun.

When we drove out on Wednesday night and opened the car window, we were both shocked at how cold it was. Not cool. Cold! It was probably 50 and windy. And when it's windy in the desert, it's colder. Anyway, no lovely sitting outside sharing enjoyment of the stars, the lovely coolish air. No, we were shivering inside, eating our snack prepared by my lovely husband, snuggled in bed, watching a dumb movie. We had never had the heater on inside the trailer and besides, we had a cozy comforter on the bed, so we were nice and snuggly warm--while under the covers.

The next morning, it was really cold! 48 degrees inside. Overcast outside. No sun that day! Jack started figuring out the heater. He was able to get it on, but it didn't appear to have warm air coming out of the vents that used to have air conditioning coming out. We called the air conditioning repair man who had come out here in July to fix our air conditioner. The heater is fueled by propane tanks and the hot air vents were the ones we had covered with cardboard to keep the flies out because we could see daylight when we looked into the vent. Jack went under the trailer to see what the problem was. There was a gaping hole, chewed open by some animal, probably a rat in the piping which was like dryer exhaust. He duct-taped it up and--voila--all the warm air came inside as it was supposed to. What did the world do before duct tape?

Then he turned on the hot water heater. we hadn't needed it before because when it was hot here, the water was warmed by the sun enought to take quick showers and wash dishes. But now, with the cold weather upon us, the water out of the faucet was c.o.l.d!

I expect it will warm up again before it really stays cold by November. At least we had a plan-ahead adventure before it got too severe. Didn't see much of Stars and Stripes this weekend. I guess it's too cold for lizards and the lack of flies was wonderful!

Life in the Desert with Flies, Fires, and Lizards…

Wednesday evening as I was driving out I-8 to Jacumba, CA, I saw off in the distance huge, red billowing clouds east of Pine Valley, CA. I couldn’t see any flames from the freeway, but it was a bit scary. My husband, who was about 15 minutes behind me said he did see flames from the freeway.

Fortunately, it was contained by the next day and didn’t get close to us. I learned from the Pine Valley News online that it burned 1750 acres of Cleveland National Forest. Wow!

It’s a tad bit cooler here now, 85 degrees, rather than 105 degrees, but the flies are still in full force. Both our Fly Zappers died from overuse. Fun as they were, they were too flimsy to withstand the constant use we put them to.

Yes, we now have two pets—Stars and Stripes, two small lizards that hang around to catch the flies. First there was Stripes, a tiny lizard that kept showing up and could fly on and off the first step. Then, this weekend, he/she was joined by a slightly larger brother/sister. We decided to name him/her Stars since we already had Stripes.

I killed a fly on a flat surface and it flew off and Stripes caught it mid-air. It was so funny to watch him that we are now trying to kill flies for lizard food. It seems they like to catch them while they are flying, or at least moving. Once they are dead on the ground, they leave them for the ants to dismember and carry home. Ah, nature.

Jack and I jokingly say, “What did you do this week?” Answer: “Watched the lizards and killed flies.” My, what a life.

We drove around last night in our little golf cart we named “Hot Stuff” since it’s red and white. Just as we made a turn, a deer came dashing not 20 ft. from us. He was running in the same direction as we were going. Needless to say, he was going a lot faster than we were and took off into the safety of the hills. Every day and night some surprise comes up. Not big ones, fortunately. It’s the little ones that touch us.

My How Time Flies When We're Having Fun...

Almost a whole month has passed since I last wrote about lizards and flies. We have since named the tiny little lizard who shows up a lot, Stripes. He can fly down from the first step, which is about 3 inches. And fly up, too. Pretty cute, he is. Of course, he doesn't do it on demand, like a dog might do, but he is pretty cute flying up or down. I guess he eats flies.

I think that because there sure are a lot of flies out here in the desert in July/August. Apparently, he doesn't eat enough of them because he is pretty darn small and there are a lot of flies! They are lessening thank heaven!

We are still loving it out here, in spite of a couple of mishaps, large numbers of flies, one electrical black-out, and hot, hot, hot weather. My husband put up a metal-tubing carport with the cover made of canvas. Guess what canvas becomes in the desert--a sail!! It blew over within a week. Luckily, he was here and caught it--believe it or not. He then cut the canvas off and dismantled the mental pipes. He wanted someone to drive by and ask him what happened to his carport. He was dying to tell them he was working on a metal sculpture. Anyway, it's now all dismantled, so I couldn't take a picture of it in it's sculptural form.

Luckily, it didn't fly into the neighbor's shed, house, our gazebo, etc.

I'll try to write again sooner; this has been fun.

Education from Flies and Lizard

One of the things that we deal with out here in the desert is flies. From having a lot of them to watch and deal with, I can’t help noticing how similar they are to people in unsatisfactory relationships.

For example, they are cheerfully flying around in a large, closed in area, feeling foot-loose and fancy free (I imagine), when suddenly they get themselves in a tight spot, take, for example, a tall cylindrical candle holder. They buzz around, helplessly, beating themselves against the glass, unable to figure out that if they only would do something differently, such as fly upwards, they could be free.

Of course, I am watching them and waiting for them to figure that out, waiting with my trusty “Fly-Zapper” to get them when they do get out.
That part isn’t necessarily part of bad relationships, usually, anyway. But, in a way, it is part of life. No matter how smart, how “healthy” we approach life, none of us are going to get out of this alive.

I watched a cute little lizard come zipping into my gazebo yesterday, then he couldn’t figure out how to get out of it, even though there was a gaping space not 6" away. It took him a dozen tries to find that space before he got to freedom. I thought then, too, how that is like so many women, and men, too, in unsatisfactory relationships but unable to take effective action to get out.

Maybe I’m thinking of this because I hear so many callers to the hotline complaining either of being left by a man who has treated them badly, cheated on them, took their possessions, etc., and now they are crying because the jerk has left them. I know, I know. Grief is normal with any loss.

Another common call we get is from men and women who want to leave but who are afraid to be alone, afraid they won’t make it financially without their partner. Or afraid they will never find anyone to love them again.

How are they like the lizard and the fly? Little imagination or trust in themselves.

I probably should quit now, before I alienate everyone.

Previously delayed post...

I thought I had the problem of not writing daily to my blog solved. I was writing to my email address, thinking I could then upload it to my blog later. However, as you can see, that didn't work out exactly the way I planned it.

However, we are now on plan B. My husband, Problem SolverMan, figured out a way to be able to get on the Internet more consistently when we are out here in the desert. He added a 2.4 GHz Wireless Range Extending Antenna, so now if I don't get a new blog up on Thursdays and Fridays, I have no excuse.

Melissa wrote me a very gracious comment to my blog in which she said, "There are times to write and times to live. It looks like this is your time to sit, back, relax... and enjoy!" That was lovely of her, I thought. It made me stop and relax about pushing myself to write, instead, just stop and enjoy life. I AM!

One of the things I enjoy out here in the desert is that I get a fresh perspective on tiny things and large things. Ah, maybe that's a subject to save for another blog...

Oh, and BTW, I have been much more conscious about how I respond to people on the hotline, now mind you, I wasn't a meany before, or rude, but sometimes, it does get difficult to be kind to someone who is yelling at me for not reason. But I am getting better by being more conscious. Those pearls...

Thoughts on Time...

This morning (last Saturday, August 4, 2007), as I was driving in to work from our desert escape, I was thinking about time. Usually, when I drive back to San Diego from Jacumba on Saturday morning, I feel sad because I won't be back for another week. Today, as I was driving back to San Diego, I was planning on returning to the desert this evening after work to attend a house warming party with friends. I was thinking that these 8.5 hours of working will dissolve slowly and be gone.

I felt both happy and sad about the time going by. Happy that the 8.5 hours would go quickly and sad that 8.5 more hours of my life will be gone. I then thought of time as a metaphor--hey, it was early in the morning, traffic on 8 West was very light, the surrounding hills and rocks were beautiful cloaked in early morning sun and shadow, my mind gets creative. Time is a liquid pearl, disappearing in and contributing to the fabric of our lives.

My job today, for these 8.5 hours, is to work so this 8.5 hour liquid pearl does, in fact, make a meaningful contribution to the fabric of my life. Since I am employed at a crisis hotline in San Diego, I can make this 8.5 hour liquid pearl make a meaningful contribution to my life by listening compassionately to the people who call in on the hotline--sounds kind of easy, eh?

It is sometimes, but sometimes the callers are angry and displace their anger onto anyone within range. The phone is within their range. Also, many callers call with needs that are genuine, but are impossible to fulfill. They often get angry at us because we can not resolve their problems, often in the manner they would like or with the speed they would like. Listening and interacting with those callers in a manner that contributes to their life and to my life will be my goal for today.

I'll let you know how I do today.

Lazy Days and warm weather in the desert

I am writing from the desert near Jacumba, CA. Boy, it's great, peaceful, quiet here. I am finally able to connect wirelessly to the Internet, so now I have no further excuses for not writing. My only problem is what to write about.
One reason I started this blog was to make myself write daily. So here I am at the club's pool and I don't have anything to write about. What a difficulty! It's 5:05 PM here and company is coming for dinner about 6 PM. Fortunately Jack is cooking, not me. Opps, he's getting ready to go, so I'd better get in the pool with him. Life is rough. LOL

Distractions and difficulties

I haven't written here on this blog for some time for the following excuses...my husband and I bought a cute little (36') 5th Wheeler out in the desert around the 4th of July. Since then, we've been going out there two days a week, Thursdays and Fridays. It is wonderful to get away that much, but it sure takes a bite out of my week. Each week, I think maybe this week we should take the week off from going to the desert, but then, it's just too much fun to get all ready and go out there again. So we do. That's one of my excuses.

The other is that the hotline I work for is owned by a corporation, United Behavioral Health. They are owned by a larger corporation, United HealthGroup. UHG has tighten up it's control of our use of the Internet. They now use a Net Nanny, I call it a Corporate Nanny, and control where we can go. They have actually blocked my going to my Blogs!! I can't go to any blogs that I know of. I was really shocked and annoyed! I mean, it's not like there is any reason to block me--no nasty information, no sex, etc.

So those are my excuses. I'll try to be more vigilant about writing daily, but once I take my computer home from the desert, I don't usually plug it back in at home for Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesday. Anyway, I'll write at least once a week, while I am out here loafing in the desert. We do have air conditioning, fortunately. And wireless internet connection. My daughter, Green Daze44 calls our phone # out here, The Hotline. She's funny!

I love reading your comments! Write, please.

Ambrose Bierce quote

I heard this quote recently in a movie, the name of which I can't remember for the life of me, but I wrote it down and then wanted to look for the author. I googled the quote and found that Ambrose Bierce, a journalist in the 1800s said it, "In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass, and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity."
-Ambrose Bierce

More on the Blog-writers Group...

My fantasy is that this Blog-writers group would be like a Writing Practice Group. Only we would be practicing writing in our blogs. I love writing in the blog, but don't think it's easy. It isn't. But then, any writer will tell you that the practice of writing is difficult. Facing that blank page and then taking action, putting words down on that page or computer screen. Bloody!

I usually reread my previous several posts to get inspired. I look at the dates of the previous posts. I try to post every day, but since I have two blogs, my other one being http://cosmeticsurgerysupport.blogspot.com/, I usually end up writing one post for one blog on one day, and then on the next day, I write a post for the other blog.

Unless something outstanding happens and I am inspired to write on both.

Did I tell you I am reading Judy Reeves' book, Writing Alone, Writing Together? She is the Program Director of the San Diego Writers, Ink and my inspirational teacher for writing. I took some classes from her years ago at The Writing Center and discovered how much I enjoyed writing. Now Judy is teaching writing at The San Diego Writers, Ink and at UCSD Extension University. Her book, Writing Alone, Writing Together is the inspiration for the Blog-Writers Group.

Would you like to start a blog but are afraid you don't have time, don't have anything to say, can't write? We all feel that way at first. Most of the help out there is around making money from your blog, not on better writing for your blog, or actual help in technical issues of blogging. Let's get together online, unless you are in San Diego, and let's create a more interesting, literary experience for our readers and a more writerly experience for us writers!

I want to start a blog-writer's group online...like a writer's group

I want to start a blog-writers group online. Why? I think blog-writers would benefit from contact with other blog-writers. I would. We can get nifty ideas from each other. We can improve the quality of the writing on blogs. We can support each other, give feedback to each other.

If you know of someone who is interested in participating in an online blog-writers group, have them email me or leave me a 'comment' here on this blog.

I am not trying to make money--this is a free group, only serious bloggers need apply. Even if you don't know if you are serious yet, write me and we can talk about our vision of what we want in the blog-group. A Gloup? Hmmm. I like that.

Connecting With Others: My Other Life Purpose

One of my favorite things to do in the world, some kind of unconscious Purpose in life is finding and sharing resources with other people. When I find something I'm interested in, I like to share it with others.


I do that in my job on the San Diego Crisis Hotline by building a resource list that other clinicians on the line can access through our shared drive and it can be updated instantly, not like a piece of paper. I have been working on it for 8.9 years and it is over 267 pages long in a Word.doc. That makes it easy to search.


But here, today, I want to recommend a new blog, Crosses to Bear a delightful new blog by the mother of a blog-buddy of mine, Melissa who writes Domestic Irritation. Both of them are very excellent writers! Crosses to Bear is written by a mature, Southern Woman, spelled with a capital S and W! Check her blog out!

Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40

Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40

Excellent blog written by a woman who is a professional and is actually dating over the Internet and talking about her experiences, both good and not so good. I am impressed with her insight, her subject choices and her honesty.

Ubud News: Do you like Martinis?

Ubud News: Do you like Martinis?

It's not really the Martinis I am admiring, it's the glasses they are in. I love that kind of art glass, or maybe it is the way they are photographed. The site is about an artist that is quite good.

Oh, it's sooo hard to write when no one reads this...

Oh, woe is me...It's 7:30 AM on Tuesday morning. I have been working on the San Diego Crisis Hot Line since midnight. Life is always darker in the mornings after working overnights. I thought I'd indulge myself, anyway, and moan about how difficult it is to write this blog when no one writes comments.

Is there some reason, like maybe, you don't see the 'comments' link after each blog? Or you just have no response to what was written? Or you just think what you have to say to me doesn't matter? Or you just aren't interested in what you just read?

A total stranger wrote a comment the other day to my blog about Transactional Analysis. It was delightful to hear from someone I didn't know. Unfortunately, she didn't write much in English. She sent me an email, but I couldn't respond back to her.

I recognize you are doing me a favor when you write a comment and I appreciate it very much. The favor you are doing is that you are acknowledging you read what I wrote and had enough interest to comment. Thank you for any comments you might write! You make a difference! Thank you for reading my BMW page--"Bitch, Moan, & Whine". You have my permission to BMW right back!

Birthday flowers & Christmas photo from Natasha

This is a test--for me to see how to upload pics to my blog.

My youngest daughter, Natasha, 34, sent me these flowers on my birthday; she took the photograph and gave it to me last Christmas. I hope she sees it on my blog. Her husband, Charles, was at work yesterday and he and his co-workers were talking about it being D-Day. Charles remembered that I was born on D-Day and called Natasha. Whew! Just in the nick of time, she said!

Oh, I received a terrific Birthday card from my almost 16 year old step-son! He lives with his father and me and has for the past 2.5 years. He came to us depressed, miserable, and unhappy with himself and his life. He has a "social" learning disability, Asberger's Syndrome, which makes it difficult for him to read social cues from people's faces. He had great difficulty making friends, was overly sensitive to bullying and teasing. He was small for his age and immature by about 2 years. He had been premature at birth, weighing only 1.5 lbs.

The card he gave me, all on his own, his father said, was signed, "Love: your step-son." That touched me because he had never acknowledged our relationship and certainly never said anything like "love".

I am proud to say that he now has a sense of humor, can laugh at himself and at us, he is on the Honor Roll in 9th grade at Patrick Henry High, is considering going to college, and is a delightful person to have around, willing to help others, was given the Snake Award for Highest Internal Strength of Character in Karate.

Happy Mirthday to me!

Today is my Birthday! I am 63!! How did that happen? That is amazing! It's not really so bad, but time is going by fast. I remember when my mother was about 41. I don't remember when she was 63. I think I thought she was old. I know that's not nice of me to say, but...sometimes I'm just not nice. Really.

I am a pretty outspoken person, direct, I think they call it. Honest, some people think. I think. People usually know where they stand with me and I like that. People that like me like that about me, too. I don't believe in telling people things about them that aren't true, in my opinion. I hear some women telling other women something nice. Then, it turns out later, they didn't really mean that. I don't like that.

We, us women, need to tell each other the truth, I think. That's one of the benefits of getting older.

Stories from the Street: An explanation and apology of sorts to an old friend

Stories from the Street: An explanation and apology of sorts to an old friend

Woo-hoo!!

Gratitude is one of my favorite emotional states. I have learned, though, that I must put myself in there consciously--it's not an automatic place for me to go.

Okay, here's what I'm grateful for, not necessarily in this order, of course:

My terrific, funny, mature husband, Jack.
He is smart, lively, funny, sexy, charming, a facilitator, well-organized, thoughtful, a great listener (when he tunes himself in), a loving man. I say I was looking for him my whole life, but in fact I didn't really know that until I found him. We lived together for 5 years and then decided to really commit to each other in March, 2007. It was scary for both of us because we had both been married before and didn't want to ruin a good thing.

I could go on and on about the things I really love about him, but let me just say this--he washes and folds my clothes like they do in the army--which he was in, once upon a time. I don't think my mother even folded my clothes. The first time he did that, I was stunned! Folded my clothes!! Like T-shirts, nightgowns, undies, etc. I told him he didn't have to do that, he said he was just doing the laundry! Wow!

I told him he could have saved all that money taking me out to lovely, expensive restaurants and just washed and folded my clothes and it would have had the same impact on me--I was hooked!

That's not the only great thing about him, just more stories later...on to the other Woo-hoos:

I have two grown daughters! That is a true miracle!
My oldest daughter, Angela:
I was 18 when I had the first one and she even turned out just fine. In fact, pretty darn great, if I do say so myself. I say that we grew up together and she turned out to be a terrific mother, loving, devoted. She has two daughters of her own that are somethin' else!

My youngest daughter, Natasha:
She had a slightly better chance since I was 28 when I had her. She is a character and an artist. A photographer. I used to marvel at her because she seemed to have a strong sense of herself at a very young age. She is happily married, but no children, even after 11 or so years of marriage.

Woo-hoo!! for my blog-friend Melissa - http://www.domesticirritation.com/. Without her encouragement, this blog would have probably died. She is an excellent and funny writer!

Woo-hoo for my health, for having had DCIS breast cancer that does not spread, for having good medical insurance, and good medical care, although there were times when I needed to speak up--Woo-hoo for my ability to speak up.

Boy, once I get going on these blogs, I really get going. I guess I have a lot to say. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do! What are your delights? Your Woo-hoos?

Domestic Irritation: Breast Petals: Not My Husband’s Favorite Flower

Domestic Irritation: Breast Petals: Not My Husband’s Favorite Flower

Parent, Adult, Child states stimulated by domesticirritation.com

Since I am a therapist and the mother of 2 daughters (both adults, thank heaven! Whether they know it or not...LOL), here's a bit of information about how some therapists (Transactional Analysts) look at these various selves within us. This comes from the 70's Eric Bernes' book, Games People Play.

Transactional Analysis. I don't think I'd be the person I am today without that knowledge.

Transactional Analysis, shortened to TA, held the theory that all of us have the following 'ego states' inside of us; the Free Child, the Adaptive Child, the Adult, the Loving Parent, and finally the Critical Parent.The free child state is the creative, fun, feeling state, the joyful, laughing and crying state, our emotions; the Adaptive Child state is the one that is the good girl/boy, the one who wants to adapt, to fit in, be a part of the group/the family; the Adult self is the part that is 'Just the Facts, ma'am', no emotion, no judgement; the loving parent is the part of us that forgives our mistakes, is kind to ourselves and others, is supportive of ourselves and others, is generous and loving; and the Critical Parent is just that--critical and/or abusive to ourselves and others.

Of course, all of us have these states, even your partners, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, bosses, relatives, etc., don't forget. And it gets complicated in any relationships when one of their states is in conflict with the state you happen to be in at that moment. But more another time.

Domestic Irritation: Will the Real Melissa please stand up?

Domestic Irritation: Will the Real Melissa please stand up?

Those pretty green sandals...

I loved those pretty green sandals! Not sandals like for summertime casual in the sand, but more like special, fancy dress-up shoes for young girls. I don't remember really where they came from. I don't remember that I picked them out. I don't remember that I saw them in the store and wanted them badly, so badly that my mother bought them for me.

But I do remember that I loved how pretty and special I would feel if I got to wear them. And I remember the trouble they caused.

Shoes like that are bad for your feet, my father said, when he returned home from a field trip and they were on my feet. I do remember my feelings of injustice--how could these pretty green shoes be bad for my feet? And I do remember that I couldn't say that out loud. And I do remember my mother could say it out loud, but she had no say. I do remember I knew that. I do remember I knew the pretty green sandals would not be worn any more, at least not when my father was around.

My father was the one who decided what would happen and what wouldn't happen, at least when he was around. I didn't like being a girl because it meant you couldn't decide for yourself if you wanted to wear the pretty green sandals.

It didn't look to me like it got any better when you were an adult woman, because my mother couldn't say if I got to wear the pretty green sandals. But then, if you were a boy, you didn't even want to wear pretty green sandals. Maybe that wasn't true. Maybe my brother wanted to wear those pretty green sandals, too. Several years later he was caught stealing women's shoes out of their homes and had to go to therapy. Maybe he thought shoes held the power.

Being able to decide for myself what I wanted to do or not do became my life script. And it serves me well, most of the time. Once in a while I meet a man or even a woman who has trouble with people who like to decide for themselves. When that happens, I think they are doing me a favor by letting me know we are not right for each other, as friends, bosses, lovers, employees, whoever. And we say "Good-bye" sometimes easily, sometimes not easily.

Do you decide what you want to do or not do? Do you speak up if you are with someone you don't like to be with? How did you learn that you could decide or not decide what you wanted to do?

Domestic Irritation: Not a Mask -- A Lesson at Jamba Juice

Domestic Irritation: Not a Mask -- A Lesson at Jamba Juice

"Those things don't happen to me!"

Five minutes ago I had no idea I wanted to write about this today. It's something I've been thinking about lately, way back in the dark recesses of my mind. Even though I think of myself as having had breast cancer lite since it was DCIS, stage 0 and I didn't have to have any radiation or chemotherapy, one of the ways that it changed me is that I no longer have the illusion that "those things don't happen to me." It really is a loss of innocence, or maybe just a loss of denial, I suppose.

It really changes everything. Having had cancer, even recovered from cancer, gives me the feeling that my life is shorter. Therefore, I must not waste it. Every day must be spent meaningfully. I ask myself, is this what I want to be doing today? Is this important enough to be spending my limited time doing?

Which leads me to another discussion. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of not knowing when I will die, not knowing how much time I have left. 5 years? 10 years? 12 years? 2 years? My mother-in-law just died March 25, 2007. She was 85 years old. She planned to live much longer and was disappointed she didn't get to live with her grandson, which they had planned.

What if you could know when you would die? How would it change your life? What would you do differently? What has happened in your life that was life-changing?

Searching for your purpose in life?

Having a purpose in life is one of the most important things us humans need after food, shelter, safety. But of course, no one teaches us how to think about that much less go about finding and knowing our purpose--well, many self-help books and organized religion do. So it's not like there's not a need for guidance in this area.

What happens, I think, is that we unconsciously gravitate to something our parents chose, or what society says we should choose. For example, in hindsight, I think I had children mainly to give my life purpose and structure--society says that's what women should do, right? Now that doesn't mean I don't love my kids, of course I do, that has nothing to do with it. I simply didn't know what else to do with my life so I had children, two of them, 10 years apart. That structured my life and solved my life purpose need for 27 years!! Wow!

During those 27 years in which I was raising them, I was also growing up myself. That's kind of the way it works, I'm afraid. When I say growing up, I mean learning much more about myself, including who I was/am and my "real" purpose, or I would like to say now, my "conscious" choices of my purpose.

Some of what I learned in these years of growing up is that I don't have to have one single purpose, it can change and be refined as I grow and change myself. In my 20s and 30s, I was a jewelry designer in Houston, Texas. I have a bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Jewelry Design because I like creating beauty in the world and that's how I did it.

To tell the truth, I didn't know that when I started my Fine Arts Degree. I wanted to please my father by becoming an artist. I also loved artistically designed mental art objects, including jewelry I had seen at the Contempory Arts Museum Fine Crafts Exhibit in New York City in 1971.

Eventually, I decided creating beauty wasn't enough. I found that I had a talent for influencing people regarding intangibles, such as ideas, concepts. I learned this because I sold people jewelry before it was created and most of the time they loved it when it was actually created.

However, I decided what I really wanted to do was influence people to be happier, feel better about themselves, to help people expand their limited beliefs about themselves, etc. In other words, I decided I wanted to become a psychotherapist. What I love about being a therapist is I get to facilitate people in the process of becoming greater than they think they are. I love it!! I can see it happen right before my eyes and it is a true thrill!

Do you love what you do? Does it fit your purpose in life? What is your purpose? Has it changed as you grow? Mine sure has!

Friend with great blog!!

Hi All,
I'm back! Already so soon!

I'm taking a writing class at UCSD Extension Univerity. There, I met a wonderful woman who also has a blog, www.domesticirritation.com. Her blog is about humorous comments on the "fun" of being a mother of two young children and of being a wife and a daughter. Check it out--she is funny and insightful! Hey, give her a comment, too. We all love a response.

Sometimes writing a blog is like the sound of one hand clapping, you know?

I'm all finished with surgery!

Okay, I know it's been a loooong while since I posted. I have been taking a writing class from UCSD Extension University and wanted to do daily writings for the classes; if I wrote in the blog, it would distract me from my other writings, so I didn't do any writing, no journalling, nothing except my daily writing for class. It was great fun, and hard, too.

I did get married on March 19, 2007. My husband's mother was at the very small, sudden wedding because she was failing fast after having been diagnosed with lung cancer earlier in the month. In fact, she died a week after our wedding, so I'm glad we hurried up the wedding.

Then, April 5, 2007, I had my final reconstructive surgery done on my left breast, the mastectomized one. I hadn't been happy with the results of the reconstruction, so they did it again. Larger implant this time. I had been worried that it would be too big, but it seems just right--matches the right one just fine, at least for now. It looks like probably in a few years, the right one will need an implant to match the left one with an implant, or else it will be hanging down to my knees. Oh hum, aging isn't for the faint of heart.

But I am feeling better. My husband and I are thinking about moving to Costa Rica to retire in about 3 years. I've been reading a terrific book, Living Abroad in Costa Rica, by Erin Van Rheenen. She has a web site: http:www.livingabroadincostarica.com but I haven't checked it out yet. Since they speak Spanish in Costa Rica, I am taking Spanish lessons online from Rosetta Stone.com. Really takes a lot of time--I try to work on it daily for at least an hour. It's fun to learn something like that but unfortunately, my 62 year old brain has some trouble memorizing, so I just do it repeatedly.

So you can see that life is pretty full. More later...BTW, it's more fun to write in the blog if people make comments, so write, write, comment, comment, please.

To Wed or Not to Wed...that is the question.

I'm thinkin' about getting married in about 2.5 weeks to the man I've been living with for 5+ years. Why am I debating about this after all this time? Well, there is a significant difference between marriage and living together. It's called the C word or Commitment.

All my Mental Illnesses come up when I start to think about getting married. As a therapist once said to me, "What makes you so optimistic?" We do have fun together, considering we both have responsibility disorders. His is that he is too responsible; mine is not responsible enough, sort of. Of course, you can see why we fit together so well.

We like each other a lot, in addition to loving each other. We share values about relationships, people, kids, and money. We have mostly worked those things out over the past 5 years. We resolve issues between us very well. I tell him "I'm having a problem about something." We sit down ASAP and I have his full attention. I love that about him!! I seldom get angry at him anymore because I know I don't need to. He is responsive! What a lovely thing in a man!

So what's the problem? you probably are thinkin'.

He is a devoted father to his 15.5 year old son who lives with us. He is a devoted son to his 85 year old mother recently diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. He is an only child. He is also a financial consultant, which means he works hard and long but inconsistently. He earns lots of money when working, but sometimes he can go 6 months without a job, then he gets a job and earns $1000 a day for 12 days out of town. I feel like I get lost in the shuffle of all these responsibilities.

Suggestions? Thoughts? Ideas?

Struggling with life...fortunately!

Okay, I decided to write again. Last post was November 17, 2006. I notice I am ready to write again for a couple of reasons. No one has responded with comments and that is disappointing. However, I decided to write this for myself because I like to be able to read this much later and remember how I was feeling.

When I look back over my posts, I had forgotten that I had even written them, so that was great--to be able to read what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

Now what's going on with me? April 6, 2007, I am going back under the knife, so to speak. I'm having my left breast reconstructed again. I don't like the way it looks, looks like a speed bump with a scar. That is not satisfactory!!

I am worrying that I still won't like it. We (the surgeon and I) have chosen a larger implant. I'm worrying that maybe it will be too big and look funny compared to the right breast, which looks fine. I like my surgeon, but I'm not sure I have a lot of confidence in him at the moment. However, in talking with other people who have had reconstructive breast surgery, none are all that pleased. I did see some pics up on a web site for the plastic surgeons that looked pretty good, but maybe they were made to look good with PhotoShop. Also the plastic surgeons were in some other state, so that lets them out of the question.

I guess what this shows me is that I prefer to go with what I know rather than changing to the unknown. Maybe I would have chosen a different plastic surgeon if I had heard first hand of a good one.

Another thing that's going on for me is that I am getting married just before my surgery, March 30, 2007. We have been living together for 5+ years happily, so you wouldn't think getting married would be any big deal. It is and it isn't. It seems to be that it's a more serious decision than just to live together. More on that later.

I'd love to get your opinions, suggestions, thoughts, judgements...